The Toad Kings Corner

The Toad King's review of…Horned Melon!

Upon coming across this fruit in the supermarket, I thought, "A fruit with spikes, this has to kick ass!" Unfortunately, this fruit did not kick ass, in fact, I almost kicked it's ass for being so lame. First off, they should make a friggin' can opener for this thing because it's so hard to peel! The peel is extremely thick and has spikes, you get the picture. In fact, when I was peeling it, I cut myself on the spikes, and then the juice seeped into my cut and stung me! It's like a defense mechanism, thanks nature, I can tell you really care about the safety of your fruits. Think about it, the crappy fruit gets a defense mechanism and the good fruits, like say grapes, have no defense mechanism, they also come in bunches just for your convenience.
When I finally got the ****er peeled, the fruit within was a soggy green mass with about a billion damn seeds to ensure the future growth of this fine fruit. The flesh of the fruit, that is, the part you eat, were the seeds! That's right, the seeds are enclosed within a boogerish, pulpous sac. At this point, it's as if nature is actually telling me to run away, run far, far away and never stop.
The moment had come; it was finally time to consume the fruit of my labor (pun intended, hee hee!). I had to pick up the soggy mass and suck the seeds from the core (I use "core" loosely; I have no idea what the **** it was or what purpose it served). Turns out, the mucous enveloped seeds tasted like Jello….lime Jello! Now what the **** were the gods thinking when they made this ****in' thing. It probably went something like this, "Ok, the humans have thousands of fruits, but I think they need just one more, and get this…it should taste like lime Jello!" (Applauses) "Why yes Thor, you have a question?"
"Thor no like idea, Jello tasting fruit sure to piss off humans, make Thor look bad."
"Shut up, Thor! As if you didn't look bad enough when you joined the Avengers" (Snickering) "Seriously man, what the **** were you thinking?"
"Thor always get shushed".

If you or someone you know is eating horned melon, tell an adult or get them help right away. Remember, if we act now, we can stop this evil fruit, before it's too late....
-The Toad King