The Toad Kings Corner

The Toad King's review of…Horned Melon!

Upon coming across this fruit in the supermarket, I thought, "A fruit with spikes, this has to kick ass!" Unfortunately, this fruit did not kick ass, in fact, I almost kicked it's ass for being so lame. First off, they should make a friggin' can opener for this thing because it's so hard to peel! The peel is extremely thick and has spikes, you get the picture. In fact, when I was peeling it, I cut myself on the spikes, and then the juice seeped into my cut and stung me! It's like a defense mechanism, thanks nature, I can tell you really care about the safety of your fruits. Think about it, the crappy fruit gets a defense mechanism and the good fruits, like say grapes, have no defense mechanism, they also come in bunches just for your convenience.
When I finally got the ****er peeled, the fruit within was a soggy green mass with about a billion damn seeds to ensure the future growth of this fine fruit. The flesh of the fruit, that is, the part you eat, were the seeds! That's right, the seeds are enclosed within a boogerish, pulpous sac. At this point, it's as if nature is actually telling me to run away, run far, far away and never stop.
The moment had come; it was finally time to consume the fruit of my labor (pun intended, hee hee!). I had to pick up the soggy mass and suck the seeds from the core (I use "core" loosely; I have no idea what the **** it was or what purpose it served). Turns out, the mucous enveloped seeds tasted like Jello….lime Jello! Now what the **** were the gods thinking when they made this ****in' thing. It probably went something like this, "Ok, the humans have thousands of fruits, but I think they need just one more, and get this…it should taste like lime Jello!" (Applauses) "Why yes Thor, you have a question?"
"Thor no like idea, Jello tasting fruit sure to piss off humans, make Thor look bad."
"Shut up, Thor! As if you didn't look bad enough when you joined the Avengers" (Snickering) "Seriously man, what the **** were you thinking?"
"Thor always get shushed".

If you or someone you know is eating horned melon, tell an adult or get them help right away. Remember, if we act now, we can stop this evil fruit, before it's too late....
-The Toad King

And now the main attraction, or Rants of the Toad King

The following was written by a good friend of mine;

What the Hell is the matter with people? People are the reason why if aliens ever make contact with us, they will most likely disintegrate the Earth because of how ****ing stupid we as a species are. Here are a variety of subjects which show exactly what I'm talking about:

Gay Marriage- "No, gays should not marry, we have to protect the sanctity of marriage", if your so damned concerned with protecting the sanctity of marriage then do something about divorce you ****ing idiots!

Drugs- "No, people should not be able to do something which makes them happy and doesn't harm us, instead, let's celebrate the legality of tobacco and alcohol, the latter of which kills the most people of any substance. Marijuana is terrible because people shouldn't be using a substance which you cannot overdose on; they should drink themselves to death and smoke a pack a day instead."

Nudity- "People shouldn't expose themselves because the human body is terrible. Even though we are born naked let's make it a law that you have to be clothed in public. Screw nature, screw it I say (but not sexually because that would be a crime)." How dare people undress indeed. Nothing like arresting perverts for being naked when they have done nothing wrong. Also, a woman's chest is much worse than a man's chest because it actually has a useful purpose. Therefore, men can be shirtless all they want but not women, sexism is fun, hee hee!

Atkin's Diet- "Let's all not eat healthy and be stupid pigs! Honey, pass me the bacon with the bacon on top and don't forget the bacon! Apples! No thank you I'm watching my figure, so I better not eat any fruit or grains. Let's all forget the fact that the human diet should consist of 60% carbohydrates and not eat any!" Seriously people, eat some ****ing fruit you morons! My dad actually told me that he wasn't eating so well because he ruined his diet and had some toast with his breakfast! Once, when I went to his house, he had two burger patties with cheese for lunch. Yummy! I can almost hear the death bells now! Hey Dad, don't forget to wash down that healthy lunch with a big glass of lard, and don't forget to not exercise afterwards!

I hope you have enjoyed my look into humanity's stupidity. Farewell readers, it's back to the rebel base for me.
-The Toad King